42!

The biggest surprise of today's multi-doc appointment: I actually had 42 lymph nodes removed!!! Only 1 had cancer in it, though. Apparently my body is an over-achiever in the lymph node department, as the average number of pit nodes hovers around 25. I've got more. Or I did. None now, which helps me understand the rather slow recovery and the weird tingly feelings I have in my upper arm. And maybe, someday, my armpit will have feelings again. TMI? I just wish my body would choose to over-achieve in something slightly more attractive, like six-pack abs, or an amazing singing voice...

It's no surprise that I will be having chemo, radiation and hormone therapy. I am signing up to be part of a clinical study that might change my treatment somewhat, and put a short, intense course of radiation before chemo, but I won't know that for a few weeks. My next focus will be doc appointments getting me ready for the study: xrays, ct scans, blood draws, etc. Nothing big, but all headed me down the road to the goal: No More Cancer, Ever.

Oh, and the tumor margins were good, but this stuff acts in bizarre ways, and can send off little arms here and there; hence the reason for the chemo. If cancer IS anywhere else in my body it's gonna get nuked. I'm calling in the big guns and declaring war. The 42 lymph nodes are just the first casualties.

Today's Adventures

Whew! I am drain-free! I can barely express how good it feels to have that thing OUT. I won't get too graphic, but the part inside my body was much larger than the diameter of the tubing coming out. Removal stung, but only for a minute and my excellent friend Tracy allowed me to squeeze the heck out of her hand. I feel brave! My 2 incisions are healing as they should and within a week or so I'll be in really good shape. The numbness I feel in my upper arm is something I will have to continue to get used to. It might be around for a week or it might stick around forever. Bizarre.

In other adventures, first pathology is back from surgery. Dr. Niak said that no cancer was found in any other lymph nodes, only the one removed, and that the margins of my (rather small!) 1.1 cm tumor had pre-cancerous cells, but looked pretty good. More details to follow after Thursday's big multi-doc appointment.

I've managed mornings at the office so far, but by lunchtime my arm is throbbing and I have to lay down. I think with the drain gone I'll improve faster and will hopefully be back to a regular day by the end of the week. Hopefully.

A Farewell Poem to My JP Drain

Oh little drain
so foreign
yet sewn into me
so you become me
and I feel like Frankenstein.

Tomorrow I say goodbye to you
and I will not be sad
because you hurt.

Your yard of rubber tubing
and flattened bulb
are a miracle of fluid collecting wonderment.

But I will take my miracles in other forms.

My lazy Saturday

I'm not sure life gets much better than this:

-A house full of flowers,
-A refrigerator full of healthy food,
-Friends and family calling to check in,
-Not a thing to do all weekend but lay around recuperating,
and
-A marathon of "America's Next Top Model" on MTV!
Definitely a recipe for healthy healing!

I'm still sore and exhausted but getting better by the day. Thanks so much everyone for being so supportive of me. It means the world.

Surgery Nitty Gritty

I had a long surgery yesterday, followed by a night's stay in the hospital. Cancer was found in one lymph node which was removed, as was the lump. I have a drain at the back of my armpit. It feels about as good as you might imagine. It will remain there for probably 10 days. Or more.

Final pathology won't come back until next week, so until then there is no further information on tumor margins or anything else. I will post it when I know it.

My mom is staying with me so I am well taken care of.

This does mean that I will have chemo for sure. But I am not thinking about it right now. Right now I am just concentrating on recovering from this surgery.

When I am feeling a little more like myself I will write up a rant about the horrors of hospitals and incompetent nurses... Let's just say I'm glad to be home!

Tomorrow's Plan

For enquiring minds...

I get to OHSU at 8,:00 a.m., get a wire stuck in my tumor, have a nuclear injection and THEN after all that fun I FINALLY get anesthesia and surgery: lumpectomy with sentinal node biopsy. Lymph node dissection (removal) if the bad stuff is in there.

I'll be home in the afternoon unless they find it in my lymph nodes. Then I have to stay overnight.

Mom is coming over to take care of me.

Watch this space for an update...

And thanks everyone for the comments and cards and flowers and lovely, lovely emails. It all helps.

Break Down

Baby breakdown
Go ahead and give it to me
Breakdown honey take me through the night
Breakdown now I'm standin' here can't you see
Breakdown it's all right
It's all right
-Tom Petty

It was only a matter of time I suppose. Today the tears started. Racking, dramatic, heaving tears while I told God over and over and over again that I'm not brave enough for this. I don't have a high enough pain threshold to get through this. I'm not the right person - it was supposed to be somebody else. I have a LIFE to lead. Kids. Friends. Job. Stuff. No time for cancer! No interest in cancer! Lots of places I'd like to go, things I'd like to see and experience, but not this!

The phone has been ringing off the hook and I'm too distraught to talk. I let the well-meaning messages pile up on the answering machine. I hope everyone will understand. I just can't keep talking about it. Especially when I'm feeling so emotional and afraid and the very thought of putting on a brave face makes me want to crawl into bed and not come out. Ever. If I have to hear one more story about somebody's friend or aunt or cousin who had breast cancer and was fine I'm going to scream. Because quite frankly, right now I don't feel fine. Right now I'm scared shitless.

Here's the reality. Every tumor is different. Every body is different. Oncology is not an exact science. My cancer is it's own little being. I get to become an experiment. But I won't know what kind of experiment until I have surgery. That's when it all is going to get very real. I have 1 more day of what might be blissful ignorance before I find out what I'm really dealing with.

And that is scary.

Break down indeed. Only the first of what I'm sure will be many.