Tonight was a first.
Walking up the hill from the park at about 8:30 tonight, after working nearly a full day, taking my son to drum lessons and then spending an hour sitting at the pool while the kids had a swim, I started crying.
Why?
I can't keep up.
I am probably harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I know I'm in cancer treatment. I know to expect fatigue, nausea, etc. Yet when it hits it pisses me off. I don't have time to feel like crap. I'm a mom for God's sake, and I do NOT want this treatment to impact my ability to act like a mom. Especially in the summer.
The thing is, the kids are so good. "Go ahead and cry Mom," JJ said on the way home from the park. "Go ahead and get it out." Annie held my hand and rubbed my arm and said "it's okay" over and over. Damn it. My children shouldn't have to be dealing with this. They should be eating popsicles, riding bikes and shooting hoops until it's too dark to see. They should have a mom who can stay up until it's dark out so that I can yell at them to come inside. Right now they are downstairs watching tv and I know I won't even have to ask them to be in bed by 10:00. They'll do it. I am the one in bed early, Ativan swallowed, ready for unconsciousness. I'm worn out.
Tomorrow I'll do it all again. This is going to be a long summer.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I think perhaps yes.
On April 3, 2007, I heard the dreaded words "you have cancer."
Is this the definition of oval?
I think perhaps yes.
About Me
- LeeAnne
- I'm a 46 year old single mom living a full and rich life. Or I was anyway. Now I am in getting back to regular life after cancer treatment.
Cancer Fundraising Needs You!
Links I Have Become Perhaps Overly Attached To:
- Good Reads (like myspace, only for readers to share what they've read. Fabulous!)
- Cute Overload (when you just need to look at baby animals)
- Travelcheese (my talented Sissy's little corner o' the web)
- As The Tumor Turns (An amazing writer. I wish I were her neighbor.)
- I Am The Bulldog (Fellow BC Ass-Kicker Liz from the OC)
- Imagine Bright Futures II (Another BC Ass Kicker from PDX)
- Follow Lingling as She Gives Lymphoma a Beatdown (this blog is like a novel. I am in awe.)
- KAFN8ME (my friend Kel's knitting blog)
what I know
- -stage IIA breast cancer
- -invasive ductal carcinoma, 1.1 cm
- -1 lymph node with cancer, so all removed
- -lumpectomy with a little extra taken out
- -estrogen receptor: positive (95%)
- -progesterone receptor: positive (100%)
- -proliferation rate: intermediate
- -HER-2/neu: negative
I love to read
4 comments:
My dear, sweet friend...please don't be so hard on yourself. Even with all that you've been through, you still do more than a lot of parents do for, and with, their kids. You know that I know all about being hard on oneself, and you're always telling me to relax and to give myself a break. So...give yourself a break. You're doing wonderful and your kids love you. You're teaching them how to persevere through ALL of life, the good and the not so good. And remember that it's always alright to cry. That's something else you've been telling me this past year. I'm proud of you and so is everyone who knows you!
I can not begin to imagine what it's like to have children and deal with this at the same time. I feel guilty enough about what my husband and my family have to go through because of my cancer.
Your kids sound so wonderful. This is all going to be over in a few months and your kids will be just fine. I'll bet your relationships will be stronger because of it. My husband's Mom went through this 20 years ago when he was a teenager. His parents pretty much shielded him from everything and he wishes that he would have been more involved and could have helped her through it. Your kids will be very glad that they could be a comfort for you during this time!
Your kids are so awesome LAM and so are YOU! Don't be so hard on yourself, this is just another bump in the road. I wish I was closer so I could come help you and just sit and talk.
Love you lots!
You may not be giving your kids the things you think you "should" be giving them this summer, LAM, but you are giving them so much more. They are learning good stuff through this experience, and they will be stronger for it. They are learning that we are ALL human, that not one of us is perfect, and that it is okay to say, "I'm doing the best I can," and be happy with that. Hang in there, Hon. I am so proud of you...and JJ and Annie as well.
Hugs,
Jill
Post a Comment