I've been wallowing in self-pity, I'll admit it. Yesterday was a crap day. One of those days where every time I turn around I start crying because I'm so sick of this cancer shit, I'm sick of being sick of it. I'm worn out on every level. I miss my "regular" life so much. So last night I decide to do something revolutionary:
Try to sleep without any sort of medication.
Understand that I have had very few good night's (I'm too tired to even know if that apostrophe is appropriate. Let me know, will ya?) sleep since this entire cancer thing started way back in April. I wake up every hour or two, usually sweating my head off which is as pleasant as it sounds. The bizarre sleep patterns have in no way helped my ever present fatigue and Ativan, an anti-anxiety/anti-nausea drug which has been my nightly ritual since chemo started, doesn't seem to do a thing for me anymore. So I called the doc and got a prescription for Ambien, which I then radically decided not to take.
Did I sleep well without anything?
Um, no. I woke up nearly every hour. At 5:00 a.m., rather despondent, I got up, made coffee, and started surfing the web. In my inbox, was a brand new issue of Making Room, an online magazine that included a feature on designer's postcards of post-Katrina New Orleans. Which got me to thinking:
I have so much to be thankful for. So much that WILL come back after this treatment crap is finished. This is a glitch. Okay, it's turning out to be a much bigger glitch than I had first imagined, but it IS a glitch, nevertheless. Sort of a tropical storm with no levees breaking. Everything I know has NOT been lost. I'm not transplanted into another town, never to go back to the culture I've known my entire life. I haven't lost all my worldly goods, or people I love.
THIS IS TEMPORARY!
Whew. this is some much-needed perspective. I could even get all Pollyanna and call it a gift of insomnia, this new perspective, although I'm pretty certain that had I looked at Making Room at 10 a.m., instead of 5, on 8 hours of sleep, I would have come to the same conclusions.
Lesson learned: take the Ambien. And remember: this too shall pass.
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I think perhaps yes.
On April 3, 2007, I heard the dreaded words "you have cancer."
Is this the definition of oval?
I think perhaps yes.
About Me
- LeeAnne
- I'm a 46 year old single mom living a full and rich life. Or I was anyway. Now I am in getting back to regular life after cancer treatment.
Cancer Fundraising Needs You!
Links I Have Become Perhaps Overly Attached To:
- Good Reads (like myspace, only for readers to share what they've read. Fabulous!)
- Cute Overload (when you just need to look at baby animals)
- Travelcheese (my talented Sissy's little corner o' the web)
- As The Tumor Turns (An amazing writer. I wish I were her neighbor.)
- I Am The Bulldog (Fellow BC Ass-Kicker Liz from the OC)
- Imagine Bright Futures II (Another BC Ass Kicker from PDX)
- Follow Lingling as She Gives Lymphoma a Beatdown (this blog is like a novel. I am in awe.)
- KAFN8ME (my friend Kel's knitting blog)
Blog Archive
what I know
- -stage IIA breast cancer
- -invasive ductal carcinoma, 1.1 cm
- -1 lymph node with cancer, so all removed
- -lumpectomy with a little extra taken out
- -estrogen receptor: positive (95%)
- -progesterone receptor: positive (100%)
- -proliferation rate: intermediate
- -HER-2/neu: negative
I love to read
7 comments:
Yes, this IS temporary and you DO have so much to be thankful for. But you've always thought like that, it's something I love about you. It's just that you're realizing it once again. We all need those reminders ever so often, it would just be nice if they didn't come to us because something else is thrown into our lives. Remember that it's perfectly fine to feel sorry for yourself, the key is not to wallow in it too much. And that's not your nature so don't worry! You've told me in this past year "it's ok to cry, it's ok to feel angry and sorry, and when that's done move on". You have so much great advice so I'm just throwing it back at you! :-)
Oh, and the Ambien...? Don't be surprised if it has the opposite effect. I took it and all I did was stare at the ceiling all night cursing Ambien. There are some people who take it and it keeps them awake all night. Trust me.
I didn't know that you had trouble sleeping too LAM. That really sucks. Shit, who wouldn't be depressed after everything you've been through. BUT, you see the light at the end now! Woohooing with you! I hope today is a good day for you!
Everything you said about NOLA is so true. :-( My mom whines about how our hurricane didn't get as much news coverage as Katrina. I, myself, don't really care because people lost so much more in NO. We had to leave for 2 weeks, but at least we had homes to come back to. Ok, I'm rambling now....
Love you always
Kimi
Taxol SO sucks, I've actually thought about picking up the phone and calling you to commiserate, in person. Thought if we whined enough together after a while we'd get it out of our system...KWIM?
Loved the picks from last summer!! :) :)
My first reaction to your post about not taking the sleep meds, was, yep, how was that for you? Seeing as I've done the exact same thing and it doesn't work. Though a tiny bit of Lunesta does the trick for me. But even with that, taxol is a 2 nap a day kind of beast. And a dilaudid every two hours. And a heck of a lot of patience....
big big hugs to you my dear. this too shall pass, though perosonally I want a fast foward button....:)
- amanda, imaginebrightfutures
Perspective is such a gift isn't it?
Love ya-
Noreen
I haven't hit a day like this yet but I'm sure it will come. I'm just starting on this journey and it's nice to read what your feeling and what your doing.
I'll probably be rereading as I move onto areas you've already experienced.
Hi Leanne, I am a friend of Katie's and I met you in Portland at Amelia's birthday party, (I have Katie's car). Anyway, I just read your post on how much you like when people comment, and I have been following your blog since Katie hooked us up to it through hers. So, I just wanted to say that I had a DREAM about you last night, you were wearing a black wig, and we were all telling you how fabulous you looked in it. Don't know what it means, because I don't know what that stuff ever means, but I think it just goes to show how many people are out here who care about you, and think about you..... See, I adore Katie, she adores you, therefore, I adore you!! Just think of all the good thoughts people are thinking for you, that you don't even know!! So I wanted to tell you! And by the way, I think you are absolutely inspirational.
Sleep is good. All I have to help me sleep is Xanax and sometimes I take a tylenol pm but not every night, so I don't often sleep through the night. But isn't it wonderful when you do? I say take the ambien.
Good job on the blog in general. I am trying to get back in the habit of blogging more frequently. You're doing a great job of keeping up the blog and your writing is wonderful.
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