Road Bump Negotiated

It has been months since I've posted here. Months since I've even thought about this blog. For anybody reading this who is facing their own cancer diagnosis, take heart! At least for THIS breast cancer patient, life is back to almost normal. And, in fact, better than it was pre-cancer diagnosis. Really.

I have a new full-time job that I started in April. Yeah. It offers most of what I had hoped for, including a window AND a door. The kids are doing great and seem to have weathered the "sick mom" time without permanent damage. The guitar lessons I gave while on the couch last summer were a huge success and I have quite the budding rock star on my hands. I've been getting out in the yard and tackling projects I could only dream about a year ago. My strength is returning. It isn't what it was but give me a year and it will be.

The hair continues to grow. I've had it cut three times so far - woohoo! I got it colored when I was asked if I qualified for a senior discount. With color it feels more like "me" than when it was grey. My eyelashes and eyebrows continue to fall out at intervals but oh well. My arm still feels funny (and probably will forever) and sometimes swells a bit but so far nothing awful. My biggest complaint is lack of sleep due to hot flashes waking me up every couple of hours and keeping me awake for an hour at a time. Studies show that women who get hot flashes after treatment are less like to have a recurrence so I try and accept the lack of sleep gracefully. And that's really the crux of it all: accepting the changes gracefully and moving into the next phase of life. A good life with my kids, family, friends and FBF in a community that showed me amazing support during a difficult time.

If you've been diagnosed with breast cancer, I highly recommend the supportive online community at http://www.breastcancer.org/. And send me a comment. I'd love to send a kind word your way. If I can get through it, so can you.

Road bump having been successfully negotiated I am out of here!

Not what I expected to have happen last week

I am unemployed.

This should NOT have been a shock to me, given the real estate market's downward trend over the last year. But still. I was there for four years and with 2 days notice, boom, I'm done. It makes me sad that it ended. I will miss my co-workers immensely.

Today is my first day at home. My stomach is churning with anxiety (not helped by intense insomnia last night) over the unknown. It's so hard not to know where one's life is going. It's so hard to realize how little control we all really have. What a ride this year has been! I have to remember that I've been here before. I have stood at the edge of what I know and when I step out there is always a path before me. I just can't see it right now.

Here's a partial list of what my next job will offer: creativity, autonomy, hours 9-3, at least $20 hour equivalent, fun atmosphere, variety, flexibility, easy commute, family friendly, can work some from home, I will be appreciated, and I will have windows.

Now I have to go finish cleaning out the linen closet.

I am overcome

I went to Florida last weekend.

I sat on a beach chair and dozed in the sunshine, listening to the gentle waves and burying my toes in the fine, white sand. I held The FBF's hand. I looked for shells.

I started to cry.

The enormity of the journey I've been on is just starting to hit me. Had I sat down a year ago and imagined where I'd be now I would never in a million years have guessed. What started out as a road bump has been so much more: cancer treatment has left me with an entirely new map filled with roads I'd only dreamed of. And this is the cool part: I love where this journey is taking me. I love my life. I am so overcome with gratitude and happiness lately that sometimes it makes me cry.

Even when I'm sitting on a beach.

The FBF

The day after my birthday I received the following email on my myspace page:

August 1, 2007

Hi LeeAnne,

You don't know me, but I have read your blogs and your story and it has touched my heart immensely. I want you to know that you are in my prayers daily and that I believe you will prevail. The owner of my company battled breast cancer twice and beat it, and I know you will too.

I know that it is one of the most difficult things that you have ever been through and some days you wonder whether it is worth the pain and fatigue and depression. I want you to know that it IS worth it, as you have beautiful children and your art is beautiful. You have much to offer this world and I would be proud to get to know you as a friend.

I really appreciate how candid you have been in your blogs and know how difficult it must be to share your innermost feelings with many people whom you have never met. Your courage and your determination is contagious and I am certain that you have inspired many.

I hope that you will find it in your heart to add me as your friend, and that someday we can meet for a margarita or three and discuss life and humor and everything else that life has to offer because as you know, we all are here for a very short time and we need to make the most of it.

Looking forward to hearing from you, much love and prayers,

The FBF

************************************************************************
The email was accompanied by a profile of a man my age, who lived 3 miles away. I was not overly impressed, but I've always welcomed new penpals and he seemed nice enough for an amusement.

Little did I know what was starting. We traded emails, sometimes writing back and forth 3, 4 even 5 times a day. We shared our stories and discovered a tremendous amount in common. So much in common that sometimes it was eerie. The friendly banter began to take on a flirtatious edge...

After a month of writing, a weekend of constant IMs and several nights of hours-long, laugh-filled phone conversations it was time to meet and see if there was any sort of connection in person. I'd done enough internet dating to know that you can have the greatest online rapport and even hit it off on the telephone, but that doesn't necessarily translate over to real life. I wasn't into wasting time... if there was no chemistry I was going to have to swat this guy. Quickly.

So on the afternoon of August 31, a couple of days after writing this, I called The FBF to tell him that if he wanted to meet me, I'd be laying on a chair at Starbucks while the cleaning ladies were at my house. He said he'd be there. When he walked in and smiled at me that was it. Within 2 seconds of meeting him I knew that we had SERIOUS chemistry. I also knew that we were going to be significant to each other.

I was right. And God? Thanks for the awesome surprise. You rock.

A Truly Happy Holiday

Here is an attempt at creating a holiday card. The first I've done in quite a few years.

I'm thrilled to be getting ready for Christmas. Happy as anything that I have enough energy to do what I need to do. I've been working about half time; resting when I can, but mostly just conserving energy when possible so that I can keep up with my kids and the extra demands of the holiday season. I feel good. Sometimes fatigued, yes, but able to keep up. Yeah! My daughter had a choir concert last week and my son's band concert was last night. Just attending these events is something I could not have done a few months ago. I've been cooking, too, almost every night, and enjoying that little act of normalcy.

The tree is up and beautiful; full of an intermingling of my ornaments and the FBF's. Presents are (mostly) ready and wrapped and under the tree. I don't feel any of the usual December stress or pressure. I'm just truly happy to be able to partake in it.

Giving Thanks

What I am thankful for on this eve of Thanksgiving 2007:

- My bosses who have been amazingly patient and generous. They will never know how much they have helped me by allowing me to focus on recovery instead of worrying about having to be in the office.

- My parents who came to town every other week for 4 months and not only sat with me during my interminable chemo appointments, but also took care of me while I was recovering from chemo. No matter how old I am, I want my mom when I am sick and I am so glad she could be with me. And my dad was here too. Every time. I had no idea he cared that much. Thank you Mom and Dad!

- My family and friends who have stuck with me, faithfully reading and commenting on my blog, calling me, sending me emails and dinners (SO many dinners! Thank you family, friends, neighbors and co-workers!) and cards and flowers and so much more. All the visits. All the phone calls. All the times you have put aside whatever is going on in your life in order to listen to me rant and rave and cry and whine and freak out. I thank you. I am now officially going on record to say "it isn't all about me anymore! I welcome the opportunity to hear about YOU now!"

I'm also thankful for the grace my children have acquired during this experience. Somehow, somewhere, I know it will serve them well later in life.

And for the FBF. One of the best things, if not THE best thing to come out of having cancer. I am thankful for all you bring to my life. This is only the first of many Thanksgivings to come.

Ramblings...

Here's today's hair picture. I'm about 2 1/2 months post-chemo. Slowly but surely it's filling in. I believe a milestone was reached last weekend when I was told I officially woke up with bedhead. Woohoo! Never thought I would be so happy to hear that one. Eyelashes are nearly at full length and eyebrows are well on their way.

A week post-radiation and I'm still dealing with peeling and the occasional stabbing pain but geez louise it is NOTHING in comparison to where I've been. The ever-present fatigue rears its head when I try to do more than a few activities in a day but I will continue to improve.

I met with the doc on Monday to discuss hormone therapy and port removal. The latter is scheduled for November 30, under general anesthesia (yeah!), the former to start December 1. I'll take Tamoxifen for 5 years as a daily pill. I might at some point take some other drugs but not to start with. Main side effect is expected to be MORE HOT FLASHES! Damn.

My anxiety over picking up the pieces of my old life was lifted somewhat when work gave me the official word as to their expectations for my coming back. Helps to have a plan in place. I hope to start back slowly, maybe even next week. For sure the week after. I'm not sure what I can handle, frankly, but I won't know until I try. One step at a time.

And finally, I want to thank the FBF* for being such a rock during my latest round of freak outs. Every time I have a fear, an insecurity, an anxiety attack or am just plain bitchy this man calls me out, addresses it, talks me down off the skinny branch and reminds me that not only does he love me, but he's with me for the long haul. I am so blessed. It continues to astound me that the Universe delivered the man of my dreams during cancer treatment, but It did. Makes me kind of wonder what's next...

*FBF = Fabulous Boy Friend

What made me laugh today

Sometimes someone sends you a weblink and it's kinda, sorta funny. Or gross, or stupid or whatever. But this, compliments of my deah friend Brenda from Mahblehead, is the sh*t. Put your beverages down people. I don't want to be responsible for anyone spewing Diet Coke out their nose.

15 Minute Lunch: Strap in, shut up and hold on. We're going back.

Johnny Virgil, how is it possible I did not know of the existence of your blog? Your writing is EXACTLY what this post-cancer treatment chick needs!

All Done

I'm finished with cancer treatment.

Done.

Completely.

I did it!

I'm sure there will be a lot more to say about it when I've completely digested this big finish.

Fun to be me

I've heard from more than a few people that I'm behind in my blogging and they want to know what's going on with me.

In a word: Depression.

Maybe two words: Depression and Anxiety.

It's hard to write when I'm grumpy and bummed out. I want to lay on the couch and binge on sugar and hide from the world.

You might think it odd that facing the end of treatment can bring on these feelings, but there they are. Very typical end-of-treatment feelings. I've thought about it a lot, trying to get my mind around the reasons why I'm not (at least metaphorically) jumping up and down, bouncing off the walls, absolutely ecstatic to be nearly finished. The main thing that comes to mind? I'm scared shitless. I've had this routine, unpleasant though it might be, and guidance from doctors as to what to do and how to do it. Now I'm going to be on my own. No one will be watching (what if the cancer comes back?) and besides that, I have to somehow pick up the pieces of the life that imploded last April. I have to put them back together but they don't fit. Everything is different. I'm having some cognitive impairment (chemo brain) issues that concern me. My energy level is unpredictable and I have a huge amount of fear that it will never return to normal. I'm a moody bitch more often than I'd like to admit. Oh it's fun to be me right now.

Radiation officially finishes this Friday. On Monday I'll meet with my chemo doc to talk about hormone therapy. I know to expect the side effects from radiation to kick my butt for another couple of weeks and then I should start to see gradual improvement. I'll be slowly starting back to work (which is a very daunting thought on so many levels.) Meal delivery will stop. Hair is growing. I would imagine most people think I should be back to living at 100% very soon. Right now it all seems quite insurmountable.

I'm flailing, folks. I'm not good at just letting things fall into place. I want to know what my post-cancer treatment life looks like RIGHT NOW. I want to know that I'll be able to cope with the demands of this new, real life. I'm scared that I won't be able to keep up. Yes, these are normal end-of-treatment feelings, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier: I'm still depressed and anxious because of these feelings. I'm still afraid cancer's going to come back when no one's paying attention. Is it any wonder all I want to do is lay on the couch, cover my head and eat cookies in the dark?

Hair Today!

Here I am today. Can you see all the new hair? Can you tell that soon it will actually cover my scalp? Yippee! It's very grey on the sides, but brown is coming in on top. It is all still really soft, like baby hair.

In other hair news, my eyebrows have sprouted in a BIG way. If I can manage to live with woolly caterpillars above my eyes for another week or two I might actually have enough brows to warrant getting them waxed. I'd forgotten how thick my eyebrows are naturally. Wow. Eyelashes are coming back too, but they are still quite short.

According to my Radiation Doc, next week should be the peak of my fatigue, and then after a couple more weeks I'll start to improve. I'm really looking forward to the improve part. To say I'm tired of being tired would be a huge understatement.

I have 10 zaps left. I'm blistering and itchy and have about a zillion new freckles on my chest, but it isn't anything I can't cope with, especially with all the support I have. I just have to keep remembering, as I have had to do all the way through this, that it is temporary. Just like my hair loss was!

Girl's Night Out

It has taken me a few days to get my mind around my retreat experience at Harmony Hill. What a beautiful place. I met some incredible women. I came home relaxed, with a renewed focus on healthy eating, strategies for coping with stress, and a vision of healing that I cannot yet articulate. There was yoga, breathing work, visualizations, meditation, labyrinth walking, story sharing, laughter and tears. What a gift to be a part of this experience.

Yet, with all that said, what I think I might remember more than anything else is Monday night. Was it Yvette or was it Susan who said "I hear there's a casino close by, and we were thinking about walking to it." I think it took me all of 2 seconds to offer to drive, and within a minute we were in the car, zipping down the highway, laughing our asses off and feeling a lot like we were skipping school! What a great way to spend the evening. Yeah, so I lost $40. It was worth it. Yvette and Susan, you were a highlight, and I would happily lose money with you any time!

Retreat

Today I pack my bags, pick up my friend Amanda, a fellow PDX BC survivor, and head north for a 3 day breast cancer retreat. With the limited energy I have right now I don't have big expectations. I am most excited that the retreat center is located on Hood Canal, and that I'll (hopefully) get to spend some time on the beach staring at the water. It's been so long.

I was told there was an Art Yurt, and to bring some supplies but packing art supplies sounds like too much work. I was also told to bring my journal. Journal? I think this is it. So I guess the laptop might have to make the trip as well.

I'm so tired. Seriously fatigued. I can only hope this is worth the effort.

Follicle Watch 2007

As of today, 6ish weeks after my last chemo, here's the head watch. Hairs a'growing all over! Lots of grey...

Of note, the first use of tweezers (and a razor) in months and months. Because of course the hair couldn't just grow back where I want it.

These eyebrows are completely drawn in. I have maybe 10 eyebrow hairs on either side. New eyelashes are growing back, finally, but are still too short for mascara. Soon though!

Also as of today, only 18 radiation treatments left. Nearly half way there!

One Year Ago Today...

...I was in Amsterdam, drinking wine and eating tapas in an old apartment overlooking a canal, with my sister Katie and her friends. We were anticipating going to Spain in a few days, which we did. It was lovely.

One year ago today I was healthy and strong and could spend an entire day walking all over the city.

One year ago today we were planning this year's trip. To Italy. Or Egypt. Or South Africa. I would have been there now, had nothing changed.

One year ago today I had no inkling of what my life would look like today. None of us do. Ever.

I miss you Sissy. Sometimes Amsterdam is just too damn far away.

Next year.

Back to Couch World

I've been reunited with my former companion Fatigue.

Sucks.

I'd hoped that radiation fatigue would somehow be less, um, fatiguing than chemo fatigue.

Nope. Fatigue is fatigue. Tired muscles. Shortness of breath. Weakness. Little appetite. Exhaustion that has nothing to do with sleep. I did not take this return very gracefully. It pissed me off, actually. I DON'T want to go back into the hole. I was just clawing my way out!!!

Take a deep breath... go back to what I know: Re-enter Couch World. Bring on the books. Laptop. Telephone. Friends. Family. Dog. Lay down. Stay down. I know how to do this one. I spent most of the summer right here.

The difference this time? One other item to add to the mix: Fabulous Boy Friend, aka FBF.

He makes Couch World a different kind of place: full of love, hilarity, comfort and understanding. He puts himself right smack dab between me and fatigue, elbowing it to the side and reminding me that there is much more to life than this short time spent feeling crappy. He reminds me I'm not doing it alone.

Best of all? He makes me laugh. Gut splitting, pee your pants, wine out your nose, laugh 'till you cry laughter. And that's something we here at Couch World can't ever get enough of.

Race for the Cure

Yesterday I participated in Portland's gigantic Susan B. Komen Race for the Cure. My team raised over $2,800 in support of this amazing organization. Donations are accepted through October, so if you would still like to give you can do so here.

My incredible parents, my children, a girlfriend and her son all walked with me on the short 1 mile course. I had team mates who ran the 5K, walked the 5K, and some who slept in for the cure. I had incredibly generous donations from family, friends, co-workers and even strangers. I so appreciate everyone's support, no matter how big or small.

I think I'm still too close to this whole breast cancer thing to be all happy about the mega-show of pink that this race brings out. I hate that so many people's lives have been touched by breast cancer. Hate that this organization even has to exist. But it does. And it does amazing work. I know without the Komen foundation I would not have the quality of care I do have. Maybe next year I can be a little more excited about the whole thing. Maybe I'll even wear a feather boa with my pink survivor shirt. And a tiara with my pink baseball hat.

Everything you've always wanted to know...

... about radiation:

I get it 5 days a week. For 6 weeks. 33 treatments in all.

I've done 4.

Most of the time is spent driving to the hospital and waiting to be called. Once they call me I put on a gown, lock up my stuff, and make my way down the hall to a room with a very big machine. I lay on a narrow, hard table. At least 2 and sometimes 3 technicians work on arranging me in exactly the right position. Once I'm in place the actual getting of the radiation is very fast. I'm zapped for 6 seconds in 2 places.

The doc tells me that my skin will tan, but hopefully not burn, blister, itch or peel. She also tells me I'll be really tired in a couple of weeks. Joy. I have been reveling in feeling a little better lately so the last thing I want is to revisit fatigue world. Oh well. When it does I'll give in to it, but for the moment I am thrilled to feel a tiny bit better every day.

Baby Steps

This has been a big week filled with good things:

- Feeling healthy enough to go back to work, albeit for short days (rule of thumb is to go home when I have to lay my head down on my desk.)

- My hair is continuing to come in quickly and some of it is even brown instead of albino.

- Standing up for 3 hours at a neighborhood party and having mostly great conversation that mostly wasn't about cancer.

- Drinking a glass or two of wine (see party, above) and having it taste good.

- Attending support group with my children and both of them wishing that it was more often than once a month.

- My kids and I being asked to dinner by a neighborhood mom and feeling good enough to go!

- And the very best happening of the week? Officially getting a boyfriend. He's fabulous.

Surprise!

Last Monday my office had an all-day wine tasting event, riding around on a fancy-pants VIP bus visiting several wineries. I'd hoped to attend but it was obvious to me on Sunday that I was still much too fatigued to participate so I sent my regrets and settled in on Monday for another day of couch lounging and recovery. Imagine my surprise when I received a call from the Big Boss inquiring as to my ability to meet the group for lunch. And, oh yes, they would send a car and driver for me.

This was something I could do! The car and driver turned out to be a huge white stretch limo and didn't I feel like the princess dozing in the back during the 45 minute drive to lunch. It was fabulous!

It was so nice to see everyone from work after having been gone for so long. We had a lovely lunch and while they re-boarded their bus and headed off for yet another winery, I was driven home.

What a lovely surprise the day turned out to be.