Lost Daze

One of my friends recently commented that I don't write when I'm not feeling good. I think she meant that I don't write right after chemo. She looks for updates to how I'm feeling and they aren't there. Or here. It isn't that I'm not feeling good (relatively speaking.) It's that my brain is completely and totally empty.

I swear they put a knock-out drug in the chemo mix.

I have only a vague recollection of the last several days. My parents, as usual, came to town to accompany me to my Thursday appointment. It went without a hitch. The big excitement was a REALLY good CBC, with nice, high white blood cell counts. Woohoo the thrills. Came home with an appetite although I couldn't begin to tell you what I ate.

Friday there was some gratuitous TJ Maxx shopping followed by a late afternoon Neulasta shot. I think I purchased some housewares. I'm sure some napping happened.

Saturday was the Miniature Railroads in the Garden tour (it was Father's Day weekend after all, so Dad had to have some fun) followed by a trip to Target where again, I bought a few things. Not sure what though.

Are you sensing a theme? It's a REALLY good thing my parents are around post-chemo to make sure I don't do anything more stupid than unplanned retailing. Geez, it's like being 15 again! I did manage to make my Dad a Father's Day breakfast before going horizontal and napping Sunday away (between hot flashes.)

What I do know for sure is that it is an incredible gift and comfort to have my parents here for the big anti-nausea drug fest daze that follows every chemo appointment. Everybody going through cancer treatment should be so lucky.

And today I worked almost the entire day. Not at 100% brain power but good enough. The lost daze, this time around, is just about over.

Five more chemos to go... I'm almost halfway there!

Psych

I know you are all dying to know exactly what I do on chemo day:

Get the kids to school
Check work email
Clean the kitchen thoroughly
Make sure the backlog of laundry is done
Tidy up the the house
Swiffer the dog hair
Grocery shop (making sure to replenish the wine... have to keep my caregivers happy!)
Eat!
Run last minute errands

and psych up, once again, for the drug invasion that comes this afternoon.

It's the psyching up that is the real task of the day. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it goes against everything we are as living beings to voluntarily poison ourselves. It's just plain wrong.

However, I'm doing it and I'll keep on doing it because I plan on being here another 30 or 40 or 50 years. It is what one does. Soldier On. Stiff Upper Lip and all that. My eye is on the prize: August 24 - last chemo.

Say my mantra along with me if you will "I am walking through my treatments with grace and ease. I am walking through my treatments with grace and ease. I am walking through my treatments with grace and ease."

Here I go! I'm psyched!

Being Supported

Tonight I took a deep breath and attended my first ever support group: the Young Survivors Coalition monthly meeting. Whew. Walking up to a new group is never easy, but this is a club I definitely belong to, and I might as well accept the myriad of resources that are offered.

Here's what I learned:

Hair grows back and life goes on.

I also realized, really for the first time, that even though the hair DOES grow back and life does go on, the breast cancer stuff doesn't go away. Not really ever, potentially. So you get to LOOK like you're normal again, and relatively quickly, but there are still things to deal with. Stuff I don't know much about yet. Tumor markers, hormone therapy, ovary removal, bone density tests. Maybe even a hysterectomy. Phew! Too much to even think about right now, while I'm in the midst of chemo.

The nice thing about tonight is that I liked these women and will look forward to getting together again next month. The woman I was sitting next to turned out to be a neighbor. We exchanged phone numbers. She has hair again, and gave me some of her scarves. So maybe I will make a new friend from this as well.

Also on the theme of being supported, after a week of company, my lovely houseguests finally departed. Katie dubbed it Estrogen Fest 2007 and it was absolutely wonderful. I loved coming home from work and having Claudia and Katie here. Especially when I had a few days of walking in the door and bursting into tears (oh how I love steroid rebound!) It was really nice to have the company. Any time ladies... 'mon back! I refuse to believe that Katie won't visit from Amsterdam for a year (sniff sniff) and I am holding Claudia's car hostage, so I KNOW she'll have to come back.

I am a lucky woman. Not everyone has so much support. I do. And it matters.

What Not To Say

What is it with people feeling like they can make comments about my head? Here is the appropriate thing to say to a woman with no hair: "You look beautiful."

That's it.

Don't tell me I look like Rhoda in my funky scarf, or that I'll look butch when it grows back (like this is a goal?), or that I must be having so much fun with wigs and scarves. Yeah, right. Don't tell me "it's just hair" and it will grow back. I can say that, but you can't. Don't tell me my head is nice and round. I really didn't want to know. I truly could have gone my entire life not knowing what I look like bald. Don't tell me that I'm saving all kinds of time not having to do hair. Really? Do you have any idea how long it takes to figure out how to tie a scarf so it will stay there all day?

My poor head has been through an awful lot this last week. The buzz cut was a good thing, and I felt pretty cool rocking the #1. As it continued to fall out, and fall all over me and everything in my path, however, it had to be shaved completely and that isn't quite as much fun. To begin with, my scalp is lily white with a 5 o'clock shadow. It hurts. It's cold all the time. I have to sleep in a buff to keep my noggin warm. Getting ready for work now has an entirely new normal requiring that I choose my HEADWEAR first, and the outfit second. Wasn't expecting this!

I've probably spent close to $350 on various coverings for my head, and so far nothing I put on makes me feel like me. That's the real issue. I feel like I'm in an unending theatrical production, playing the role of Cancer Patient. How do I look like LeeAnne while I'm wearing something on my head that I never would have chosen pre-hair loss? I don't know. I'll figure it out, but in the meantime, just tell me I look good and leave it at that.

God Bless all of you who are loving me through this crankiness. I know everyone has the best of intentions but I needed to vent. Whine over. For now.

Chemo 2 and other stuff

Just a quickie here - chemo 2 went just fine and I feel pretty good. Tomorrow and Sunday will be my napping days. Went for a walk today, got my Neulasta shot and had a short nap. All in all pretty good. Got some new drugs that help a lot with appetite so that will also help in the long run. I won't be so weak if I can eat well every day.

The very short hair I have left is pulling out easier and easier but I'm leaving it alone so I don't get bald spots until they're inevitable! Then I think it will be time for a full shave. I've not worn anything on my head out in public so far and I kind of really like how the buzz cut looks, all things considered! I also really like the fact that I'm so photosensitive that it only takes me 5 minutes to be tan! Really, what more can a girl ask for than happy hair and a suntan, neither of which take any time whatsoever to maintain??

Hair today, gone tomorrow

My hair is gone! Last night was the great Hair Removal exercise. Surrounded by loving friends (including Claudia who flew in from NY to be a part of it), I bravely succumbed to the scissors and clippers and now feel somewhat like a monk. Or look like a monk.

I only cried a tiny bit. My hair was falling out like crazy yesterday anyway, so it was time. It was a shock to see so much ME in the mirror. No hair to cover anything up. This will take some getting used to. I like it though. And my friends were absolutely lovely. They assured me I looked beautiful, and made me feel so loved and cared for. I could not have asked for a better experience.

Annie was also here and helped throughout the process. She seemed shocked by none of it and told me I looked lovely. I think she enjoyed the "girl power" energy from my friends. JJ came home from soccer practice and announced that I looked "cool" and that it was fine for me to be this way around the house. Hopefully at some point he'll decide I'm fine this way wherever I go, as truth be told I'm not a big fan of wearing anything on my head. Especially in warm weather.

So here's the newly shorn me, in my best Namaste pose. I don't feel quite THAT zen about it, but I'll get there. Really, in life's big picture this isn't that big a deal. But I'm a woman, so it is. But it's not. Whatever.

I have chemo appointment #2 this afternoon. I believe it will be just as easy as the first one.

Defying Expectations

I am surprising a lot of people lately. Friends exclaim "you're so perky!"

Well heck, why not? I feel relatively good (as a side note, don't for one minute think that I don't have chemo side effects happening, it's just that they're mostly ignorable, most of the time, especially if I am active) and I have a ton of energy. This weekend I: cleaned out half the garage, worked with my daughter to sort out all her outgrown clothes, took a huge load to Goodwill, went to the garden center and bought plants and planted a few pots, took a couple walks, drained, cleaned and refilled the hot tub, went shopping with my son, and attended a Memorial Day potluck. In other words, a pretty typical at-home long weekend. And no one expects that from me. They seem to think that cancer means I will spending the next 6 months in bed. And that's not how it is. I am mo-ti-va-ted.

Why?

Part of it is knowing that next weekend I will be in that drugged out post-chemo daze that will reduce me to taking a few walks and more than a few naps between spoonfuls of white, bland food. Boooooring. Part of it is the appreciation I have for feeling decent, having recently contrasted it with not feeling so good. And I have to believe that a great deal of this energy comes from a new-found appreciation for my wonderful life and its endless possibilities. It's sort of like God upsided me across the head with a big ol' 2x4 while asking "what were you waiting for? Get on it, girl!"

So when I feel good, and the energy is there, I am gettin' on it. No one expected that. Least of all me.