Fun to be me

I've heard from more than a few people that I'm behind in my blogging and they want to know what's going on with me.

In a word: Depression.

Maybe two words: Depression and Anxiety.

It's hard to write when I'm grumpy and bummed out. I want to lay on the couch and binge on sugar and hide from the world.

You might think it odd that facing the end of treatment can bring on these feelings, but there they are. Very typical end-of-treatment feelings. I've thought about it a lot, trying to get my mind around the reasons why I'm not (at least metaphorically) jumping up and down, bouncing off the walls, absolutely ecstatic to be nearly finished. The main thing that comes to mind? I'm scared shitless. I've had this routine, unpleasant though it might be, and guidance from doctors as to what to do and how to do it. Now I'm going to be on my own. No one will be watching (what if the cancer comes back?) and besides that, I have to somehow pick up the pieces of the life that imploded last April. I have to put them back together but they don't fit. Everything is different. I'm having some cognitive impairment (chemo brain) issues that concern me. My energy level is unpredictable and I have a huge amount of fear that it will never return to normal. I'm a moody bitch more often than I'd like to admit. Oh it's fun to be me right now.

Radiation officially finishes this Friday. On Monday I'll meet with my chemo doc to talk about hormone therapy. I know to expect the side effects from radiation to kick my butt for another couple of weeks and then I should start to see gradual improvement. I'll be slowly starting back to work (which is a very daunting thought on so many levels.) Meal delivery will stop. Hair is growing. I would imagine most people think I should be back to living at 100% very soon. Right now it all seems quite insurmountable.

I'm flailing, folks. I'm not good at just letting things fall into place. I want to know what my post-cancer treatment life looks like RIGHT NOW. I want to know that I'll be able to cope with the demands of this new, real life. I'm scared that I won't be able to keep up. Yes, these are normal end-of-treatment feelings, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier: I'm still depressed and anxious because of these feelings. I'm still afraid cancer's going to come back when no one's paying attention. Is it any wonder all I want to do is lay on the couch, cover my head and eat cookies in the dark?

Hair Today!

Here I am today. Can you see all the new hair? Can you tell that soon it will actually cover my scalp? Yippee! It's very grey on the sides, but brown is coming in on top. It is all still really soft, like baby hair.

In other hair news, my eyebrows have sprouted in a BIG way. If I can manage to live with woolly caterpillars above my eyes for another week or two I might actually have enough brows to warrant getting them waxed. I'd forgotten how thick my eyebrows are naturally. Wow. Eyelashes are coming back too, but they are still quite short.

According to my Radiation Doc, next week should be the peak of my fatigue, and then after a couple more weeks I'll start to improve. I'm really looking forward to the improve part. To say I'm tired of being tired would be a huge understatement.

I have 10 zaps left. I'm blistering and itchy and have about a zillion new freckles on my chest, but it isn't anything I can't cope with, especially with all the support I have. I just have to keep remembering, as I have had to do all the way through this, that it is temporary. Just like my hair loss was!

Girl's Night Out

It has taken me a few days to get my mind around my retreat experience at Harmony Hill. What a beautiful place. I met some incredible women. I came home relaxed, with a renewed focus on healthy eating, strategies for coping with stress, and a vision of healing that I cannot yet articulate. There was yoga, breathing work, visualizations, meditation, labyrinth walking, story sharing, laughter and tears. What a gift to be a part of this experience.

Yet, with all that said, what I think I might remember more than anything else is Monday night. Was it Yvette or was it Susan who said "I hear there's a casino close by, and we were thinking about walking to it." I think it took me all of 2 seconds to offer to drive, and within a minute we were in the car, zipping down the highway, laughing our asses off and feeling a lot like we were skipping school! What a great way to spend the evening. Yeah, so I lost $40. It was worth it. Yvette and Susan, you were a highlight, and I would happily lose money with you any time!

Retreat

Today I pack my bags, pick up my friend Amanda, a fellow PDX BC survivor, and head north for a 3 day breast cancer retreat. With the limited energy I have right now I don't have big expectations. I am most excited that the retreat center is located on Hood Canal, and that I'll (hopefully) get to spend some time on the beach staring at the water. It's been so long.

I was told there was an Art Yurt, and to bring some supplies but packing art supplies sounds like too much work. I was also told to bring my journal. Journal? I think this is it. So I guess the laptop might have to make the trip as well.

I'm so tired. Seriously fatigued. I can only hope this is worth the effort.

Follicle Watch 2007

As of today, 6ish weeks after my last chemo, here's the head watch. Hairs a'growing all over! Lots of grey...

Of note, the first use of tweezers (and a razor) in months and months. Because of course the hair couldn't just grow back where I want it.

These eyebrows are completely drawn in. I have maybe 10 eyebrow hairs on either side. New eyelashes are growing back, finally, but are still too short for mascara. Soon though!

Also as of today, only 18 radiation treatments left. Nearly half way there!

One Year Ago Today...

...I was in Amsterdam, drinking wine and eating tapas in an old apartment overlooking a canal, with my sister Katie and her friends. We were anticipating going to Spain in a few days, which we did. It was lovely.

One year ago today I was healthy and strong and could spend an entire day walking all over the city.

One year ago today we were planning this year's trip. To Italy. Or Egypt. Or South Africa. I would have been there now, had nothing changed.

One year ago today I had no inkling of what my life would look like today. None of us do. Ever.

I miss you Sissy. Sometimes Amsterdam is just too damn far away.

Next year.

Back to Couch World

I've been reunited with my former companion Fatigue.

Sucks.

I'd hoped that radiation fatigue would somehow be less, um, fatiguing than chemo fatigue.

Nope. Fatigue is fatigue. Tired muscles. Shortness of breath. Weakness. Little appetite. Exhaustion that has nothing to do with sleep. I did not take this return very gracefully. It pissed me off, actually. I DON'T want to go back into the hole. I was just clawing my way out!!!

Take a deep breath... go back to what I know: Re-enter Couch World. Bring on the books. Laptop. Telephone. Friends. Family. Dog. Lay down. Stay down. I know how to do this one. I spent most of the summer right here.

The difference this time? One other item to add to the mix: Fabulous Boy Friend, aka FBF.

He makes Couch World a different kind of place: full of love, hilarity, comfort and understanding. He puts himself right smack dab between me and fatigue, elbowing it to the side and reminding me that there is much more to life than this short time spent feeling crappy. He reminds me I'm not doing it alone.

Best of all? He makes me laugh. Gut splitting, pee your pants, wine out your nose, laugh 'till you cry laughter. And that's something we here at Couch World can't ever get enough of.