Race for the Cure

Yesterday I participated in Portland's gigantic Susan B. Komen Race for the Cure. My team raised over $2,800 in support of this amazing organization. Donations are accepted through October, so if you would still like to give you can do so here.

My incredible parents, my children, a girlfriend and her son all walked with me on the short 1 mile course. I had team mates who ran the 5K, walked the 5K, and some who slept in for the cure. I had incredibly generous donations from family, friends, co-workers and even strangers. I so appreciate everyone's support, no matter how big or small.

I think I'm still too close to this whole breast cancer thing to be all happy about the mega-show of pink that this race brings out. I hate that so many people's lives have been touched by breast cancer. Hate that this organization even has to exist. But it does. And it does amazing work. I know without the Komen foundation I would not have the quality of care I do have. Maybe next year I can be a little more excited about the whole thing. Maybe I'll even wear a feather boa with my pink survivor shirt. And a tiara with my pink baseball hat.

Everything you've always wanted to know...

... about radiation:

I get it 5 days a week. For 6 weeks. 33 treatments in all.

I've done 4.

Most of the time is spent driving to the hospital and waiting to be called. Once they call me I put on a gown, lock up my stuff, and make my way down the hall to a room with a very big machine. I lay on a narrow, hard table. At least 2 and sometimes 3 technicians work on arranging me in exactly the right position. Once I'm in place the actual getting of the radiation is very fast. I'm zapped for 6 seconds in 2 places.

The doc tells me that my skin will tan, but hopefully not burn, blister, itch or peel. She also tells me I'll be really tired in a couple of weeks. Joy. I have been reveling in feeling a little better lately so the last thing I want is to revisit fatigue world. Oh well. When it does I'll give in to it, but for the moment I am thrilled to feel a tiny bit better every day.

Baby Steps

This has been a big week filled with good things:

- Feeling healthy enough to go back to work, albeit for short days (rule of thumb is to go home when I have to lay my head down on my desk.)

- My hair is continuing to come in quickly and some of it is even brown instead of albino.

- Standing up for 3 hours at a neighborhood party and having mostly great conversation that mostly wasn't about cancer.

- Drinking a glass or two of wine (see party, above) and having it taste good.

- Attending support group with my children and both of them wishing that it was more often than once a month.

- My kids and I being asked to dinner by a neighborhood mom and feeling good enough to go!

- And the very best happening of the week? Officially getting a boyfriend. He's fabulous.

Surprise!

Last Monday my office had an all-day wine tasting event, riding around on a fancy-pants VIP bus visiting several wineries. I'd hoped to attend but it was obvious to me on Sunday that I was still much too fatigued to participate so I sent my regrets and settled in on Monday for another day of couch lounging and recovery. Imagine my surprise when I received a call from the Big Boss inquiring as to my ability to meet the group for lunch. And, oh yes, they would send a car and driver for me.

This was something I could do! The car and driver turned out to be a huge white stretch limo and didn't I feel like the princess dozing in the back during the 45 minute drive to lunch. It was fabulous!

It was so nice to see everyone from work after having been gone for so long. We had a lovely lunch and while they re-boarded their bus and headed off for yet another winery, I was driven home.

What a lovely surprise the day turned out to be.

Last Friday

Last Friday I had an appointment to get set up with Radiation. It involved laying on a table, on a bag filled with tiny pellets, and being minutely adjusted to get my position juuuuuust right. It took forever and my arms were practically stuck from being held over my head for so long! My radiation tattoos were done before chemo, and they were able to still use them which was a relief. I really didn't want to end up with 6 blue dots. Three are enough.

After I was perfectly adjusted I was sent into the CT machine a few times. CT machines freak me out a little.

For some reason the entire set up process made me incredibly emotional. I think it's that I am just starting to claw my way out of the "feeling like crap" abyss that the last couple chemos sent me into. I don't want to go back. I don't want more procedures. I don't want radiation fatigue. Or burning. Or heart and lung damage. Or sore ribs. I just want to keep on feeling better every day and I'd like to not go back to the hospital. Like ever again.

Good news is that for most people who have done chemo, radiation is a cakewalk. Let's hope. I start on Monday, the 17th, and will go 5 days a week for 6 weeks.

Also last Friday, I had a date. We had another on Saturday. And on Sunday. Yep, me. The bald girl. We'd been talking for a long time, and had met briefly, but this was our first opportunity to spend serious time together. So now I find myself in the early stages of a relationship. Astounding. There were a lot of things I expected to have happen during cancer treatment but this was not one of them.

Life is good.

Summer is Over

Here we are. First day of school. 5th and 7th grade.

These are a couple of resilient kids who are learning more about patience than most. Having a mom who spends nearly every waking moment laying down is tough on kids. Heck, having a mom who's bald is tough. The last thing any kid wants is to be different...

We had a few rough patches this summer but we've come through it. I'm proud of them. I think we're all glad the summer is over. It's been a tough one.

Kids, I love you. You are truly amazing!

Accepting the Gifts

There are a lot of people who go on and on about how cancer has been such a great gift to their lives. They've learned all kinds of lessons and gone on to great things. That's super duper, and maybe I'll get to that place, given time and perspective, but right now, mostly, that just sounds like a load of crap.

In my little world, cancer treatment has been and continues to be a major pain in the ass. Final chemo recovery is painfully slow. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I am fatigued by the act of walking through the house and to top it off I don't think I have enough eyelashes to put mascara on anymore. Talk about humbling. As I've said many times before, it is temporary, I KNOW that, but DAMN it does try my patience every single day. Especially when my fatigue gets in the way of being mom.

Except the thing is, as much as I don't want it to be, this ordeal has given me gifts. I had no idea I was so loved. So supported. I think I have felt, well, for lack of a better term in my tired brain: invisible to the world for quite a long time, and cancer treatment has a way of removing that. Quite literally, I don't blend in anymore and I am set apart. But all through this, from people I've known forever to some I've not even met, there have been cards, emails, flowers, offers of help, lucky charms, art, meals, beach stays, visits and more. Such support. I had no idea so many people cared. I understand the lesson. I embrace the love and support (and I have to. God told me so.) And I accept the gifts.