Two

Only 2 chemos left.

Spending a few days recovering at the beach was wonderful. Thank you Claudia for generously letting the 'rents and I use your house! I walked a bit, ate well, and slept better than I have in some time.

Today my body HURTS. That's HURTS with capital mo-fo-ing letters.

But I only have 2 chemos left.

In Memoriam: Chelsea Rae

Today, a beautiful girl I've never met died of osteosarcoma. She was 14. She was my friend Barb's niece.

Osteosarcoma is a bone cancer most often found in teens and young adults. Chelsea had leg pains, and by the time she was diagnosed in early February, it had already metastisized to other locations in her body. Chemotherapy didn't work, and was discontinued mid-May.

My heart aches for her parents and little sister, for her friends, her relatives and for all who knew her. I wish them grace during the difficult road ahead. Her family are devout Christians, and take comfort in their faith that their dear one is with God.

Cancer is insane.

Perspective

I've been wallowing in self-pity, I'll admit it. Yesterday was a crap day. One of those days where every time I turn around I start crying because I'm so sick of this cancer shit, I'm sick of being sick of it. I'm worn out on every level. I miss my "regular" life so much. So last night I decide to do something revolutionary:

Try to sleep without any sort of medication.

Understand that I have had very few good night's (I'm too tired to even know if that apostrophe is appropriate. Let me know, will ya?) sleep since this entire cancer thing started way back in April. I wake up every hour or two, usually sweating my head off which is as pleasant as it sounds. The bizarre sleep patterns have in no way helped my ever present fatigue and Ativan, an anti-anxiety/anti-nausea drug which has been my nightly ritual since chemo started, doesn't seem to do a thing for me anymore. So I called the doc and got a prescription for Ambien, which I then radically decided not to take.

Did I sleep well without anything?

Um, no. I woke up nearly every hour. At 5:00 a.m., rather despondent, I got up, made coffee, and started surfing the web. In my inbox, was a brand new issue of Making Room, an online magazine that included a feature on designer's postcards of post-Katrina New Orleans. Which got me to thinking:

I have so much to be thankful for. So much that WILL come back after this treatment crap is finished. This is a glitch. Okay, it's turning out to be a much bigger glitch than I had first imagined, but it IS a glitch, nevertheless. Sort of a tropical storm with no levees breaking. Everything I know has NOT been lost. I'm not transplanted into another town, never to go back to the culture I've known my entire life. I haven't lost all my worldly goods, or people I love.

THIS IS TEMPORARY!

Whew. this is some much-needed perspective. I could even get all Pollyanna and call it a gift of insomnia, this new perspective, although I'm pretty certain that had I looked at Making Room at 10 a.m., instead of 5, on 8 hours of sleep, I would have come to the same conclusions.

Lesson learned: take the Ambien. And remember: this too shall pass.

A Dream...

That cancer never happened.

That tomorrow morning I throw our Boogie Boards in the back of the Pathfinder, load up Shandy the Wonder Dog, the kids, a cooler, and our wetsuits and head to Indian Beach for a day in the surf.

That we stop on the way home for bread bowls of chowder at Camp 18.

That my hair has that awesome after-surf curl. And I have an Oregon surfer's tan: from the neck up.

That I feel great.

Oh wait, that was last summer.

Better

There's a really predictable pattern here: chemo makes me feel crappy, a few days go by and then I feel better. Doesn't really make for the most interesting blogging...

But I do. Feel better. After spending Saturday and Sunday completely couch-bound, I was able to go to work for a bit on Monday. It's amazing how good it feels to get out of the house, even if just for a few hours. Even if I don't feel incredibly great.

I think Taxol is a bit easier, so far anyway, than A/C. Yes I have bone and joint pain and walked around all day today like either a little old lady with arthritis, or a weekend warrior very sore from extreme sports, but my stomach is much happier overall, and my brain is much clearer than it would be if I had to take all the anti-nausea drugs. I feel less like I will burst into tears at any second, and less like I've been kicked in the gut by a very big horse than I did with A/C.

I just keep thinking "only 3 more!" I'm absolutely thrilled. Plus I think next chemo recovery will take place at the beach, and as simple as that sounds I'm happy as heck at the thought of getting out of town for a few days. Last time I was anywhere was my vacation in May! I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Dare I imagine a chemo-free life?

The Descent

Of COURSE it was too good to be true.

Yesterday I felt fantastic, all thanks to the steroids still in my system from Thursday's chemo. I corralled my 'rents and indulged in a day-long retail fest up and down NW 23rd and even into the Pearl. Accomplished all my pent-up errands and SO enjoyed being out in the world. PLUS came home to an early muy fabuloso b-day present box (thank you Sissy!), my Neulasta shot was administered excellently and didn't hurt, AND TLC ran a marathon of "What Not To Wear" last night. All the makings of a happy Friday.

Then late last night I started to feel the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands burning. My body is aching this morning, but not badly enough to medicate, yet. Intestinal rumblings shall not be detailed here. And my old friend fatigue reared its head after the simple act of walking up my backyard steps. Son of a beeeeeotch I'd hoped (silly, yes I know) that I could somehow avoid that part.

So here I am. Back on the couch with my books and my laptop; my phone, my dog and my mom are all close by. Big question is how long is it going to last this time?

Chemo No. 5

Today I had my first round of Taxol. I'll have 3 more, once every 2 weeks, and then I'll be DONE with chemo!

The issue with Taxol is that the substance they deliver it in is highly allergic. In order to avoid an allergic reaction it's common practice to give the patient high doses of Benadryl, along with Decadron (steroids) and Zantac to soothe the stomach. I also got Zofran (an anti-nausea, but much less than with the A/C: only 1 pill.) I was really out of it from all Benadryl but really wired from the Decadron at the same time. NOT a pleasant combination when you are basically strapped to a chemo recliner! I was told to take a half an Ativan to remedy the Tired/Wired issue so I did that when I got home and it helped.

The entire process was long, as the first bit of Taxol is delivered very slowly to be sure it's tolerable. I went in shortly after 1:00 and didn't leave until nearly 6:00! My stomach feels SO full tonight with all the IV fluids plus all the water I drank (including an entire HUGE bottle of Pellegrino which is tasting better than anything lately.)

My nurse said that Saturday and Sunday will probably be couch days for me. I'll let you know. Tonight, besides being full and a little bit woozy from Benadryl I feel pretty good. I played Scrabble with my Mom but out of respect for her I won't divulge who won...

A little side note:

I love getting comments on my blog. When my treatments tie me to the couch, and my laptop is a bigger part of my life than I'd like to admit, you have no idea how uplifting a comment can be. I so appreciate my friends who take the time to comment just about every time I post something. I also really appreciate hearing from people I've not met, whether you just like my writing or you are also facing cancer or know someone who is. Don't hesitate to write me. I'll even answer you back if you let me know how. Cancer is scary but none of us have to be alone in the fight.

Getting Out

It finally happened.

I got off the couch and out of the house!

Actually, yesterday was the first day since Saturday I felt like I could move; like the air wasn't oatmeal that I had to swim through. The overwhelming waves of dizziness and weakness just stopped, and I worked nearly a full day. Then capped it by taking the kids out to pizza and following that with a pretty decent walk. Yeah! Fatigue lifted! Fricking FINALLY. This was by far the toughest chemo round I've had. I just don't cope well emotionally with day after day after day enforced laying down. I even called the oncology social worker, that's how bad it was.

Today I finally got to spend a few hours doing what I had hoped to do on the 4th and was too weak to do: I went to Blues Fest! Annie and JJ were mollified with all the food and drink they wanted; I was just happy to be there. I didn't care who was playing, I was OFF the couch, out in the world, watching people and really, that was good enough.

A few notes on the people watching: ponytails on men? Really, why are we still doing this? Aging hippies in general: not so pretty. Long grey hair just doesn't look all that good. On anyone. Men in tank tops? Again, not a good idea. And what is it with the following boomer man uniform: cargo shorts, vaguely Hawaiian shirt circa 1995, baseball hat and facial hair. Is this a Portland thing? An "I like blues music" thing? I don't get it. Hawaiian shirts are for Hawaii. Period. And guys? Just because Magnum P.I. sported the 'stache back in the 70's and you did to, doesn't mean you should STILL be doing it. And a beard? C'mon. That's just lazy. As for the ladies: just because they MAKE short shorts in your size doesn't mean you should be wearing them. Especially when they are ultra high-waisted. And rayon batik went out a LONG time ago. Get it out of your wardrobe! And everybody? Tie dye tee shirts: Stop it.

God I love Blues Fest.

That's enough snarky from me for one post. I'm so happy to feel kind of okay again and the best part is I get to get out of the house again tomorrow. Blues Fest runs through the weekend!! Where's my tie dye?

Fatigue

When you look at a list of possible side-effects resulting from chemotherapy, fatigue is always there. But I had no idea at all what that really meant. Being more tired than normal? I have always been able to push myself, to keep on going, to power through things but this fatigue thing has brought me to my knees and truly, I suspect it may get worse before it gets better.

At the oddest times I find myself absolutely floored by the overwhelming urge to lay down. It's like a wave overcomes me and I MUST SIT NOW. Putting on mascara this morning I had to go sit on the couch because my arm could not do what I needed it to do! I sit down and then I want to nap. I wake up woozy and want to nap some more. It's pathetic. Not only that, it's boring, isolating, lonely and not a little depressing. The weather is beautiful outside and I am pretty much strapped to the couch. Whine whine whine.

This is the very real and not imagined result of being poisoned by chemo. Every single muscle in my body is exhausted by the fight. I told the doctor I was having a heck of a time with blurry vision and he said it was due to my eye muscles being fatigued by the chemo. That's right, even my eye muscles. I had no idea it would affect every single muscle in my body.

The very best thing I can do? Moderate exercise. Ha! Tonight I managed a slow walk down the street and back up again. That's it for exercise. I am eating really well, and that does help. Mostly, though, I suspect I just have to live with it and be patient with myself and know that this will pass eventually. I'm really tired of it already.