What Not To Say

What is it with people feeling like they can make comments about my head? Here is the appropriate thing to say to a woman with no hair: "You look beautiful."

That's it.

Don't tell me I look like Rhoda in my funky scarf, or that I'll look butch when it grows back (like this is a goal?), or that I must be having so much fun with wigs and scarves. Yeah, right. Don't tell me "it's just hair" and it will grow back. I can say that, but you can't. Don't tell me my head is nice and round. I really didn't want to know. I truly could have gone my entire life not knowing what I look like bald. Don't tell me that I'm saving all kinds of time not having to do hair. Really? Do you have any idea how long it takes to figure out how to tie a scarf so it will stay there all day?

My poor head has been through an awful lot this last week. The buzz cut was a good thing, and I felt pretty cool rocking the #1. As it continued to fall out, and fall all over me and everything in my path, however, it had to be shaved completely and that isn't quite as much fun. To begin with, my scalp is lily white with a 5 o'clock shadow. It hurts. It's cold all the time. I have to sleep in a buff to keep my noggin warm. Getting ready for work now has an entirely new normal requiring that I choose my HEADWEAR first, and the outfit second. Wasn't expecting this!

I've probably spent close to $350 on various coverings for my head, and so far nothing I put on makes me feel like me. That's the real issue. I feel like I'm in an unending theatrical production, playing the role of Cancer Patient. How do I look like LeeAnne while I'm wearing something on my head that I never would have chosen pre-hair loss? I don't know. I'll figure it out, but in the meantime, just tell me I look good and leave it at that.

God Bless all of you who are loving me through this crankiness. I know everyone has the best of intentions but I needed to vent. Whine over. For now.

'Twas the night before chemo...

Check out the new rug! I think it's pretty festive what with all the chunky streaks. Kind of a lot of hair, actually, but that's okay. I had no idea that wigs were so cheap, er, inexpensive. I could have 10 synthetics for the cost of a medium quality human hair wig and synthetics don't require styling! (No comments from the peanut gallery about how cheap they look either...) How did I not know about this magic thing? It's like the big Barbie head I always wanted as a child, only I get to wear it. Head shaving is scheduled for May 30, so I'll debut this bad girl in public shortly thereafter. I suppose she needs a name. Any suggestions?

My port still hurts, but I have lidocaine cream to numb it with for the many giant needle pokes coming my way over the next 4 months, and I know I'll be happy I have it. Just plain weird to have it in me, though. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep on my side again.

First chemo tomorrow... have I mentioned how much I love my Ativan? I'm not stressed... just zen... through pharmaceuticals. It's not for nothing that I was a child of the 70's. At this point I'm not scared or nervous, just resigned and ready to kick cancer cell butt. This morning on the way to work the radio was playing Justin Timberlake and every beat of "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" I was visualizing him kicking and stomping on cancer cells. On the beat of course. Chemo is magic and I welcome it. But how my body is going to react remains The Big Question. Stay tuned and I'll let you know.