Fatigue

When you look at a list of possible side-effects resulting from chemotherapy, fatigue is always there. But I had no idea at all what that really meant. Being more tired than normal? I have always been able to push myself, to keep on going, to power through things but this fatigue thing has brought me to my knees and truly, I suspect it may get worse before it gets better.

At the oddest times I find myself absolutely floored by the overwhelming urge to lay down. It's like a wave overcomes me and I MUST SIT NOW. Putting on mascara this morning I had to go sit on the couch because my arm could not do what I needed it to do! I sit down and then I want to nap. I wake up woozy and want to nap some more. It's pathetic. Not only that, it's boring, isolating, lonely and not a little depressing. The weather is beautiful outside and I am pretty much strapped to the couch. Whine whine whine.

This is the very real and not imagined result of being poisoned by chemo. Every single muscle in my body is exhausted by the fight. I told the doctor I was having a heck of a time with blurry vision and he said it was due to my eye muscles being fatigued by the chemo. That's right, even my eye muscles. I had no idea it would affect every single muscle in my body.

The very best thing I can do? Moderate exercise. Ha! Tonight I managed a slow walk down the street and back up again. That's it for exercise. I am eating really well, and that does help. Mostly, though, I suspect I just have to live with it and be patient with myself and know that this will pass eventually. I'm really tired of it already.

Psych

I know you are all dying to know exactly what I do on chemo day:

Get the kids to school
Check work email
Clean the kitchen thoroughly
Make sure the backlog of laundry is done
Tidy up the the house
Swiffer the dog hair
Grocery shop (making sure to replenish the wine... have to keep my caregivers happy!)
Eat!
Run last minute errands

and psych up, once again, for the drug invasion that comes this afternoon.

It's the psyching up that is the real task of the day. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it goes against everything we are as living beings to voluntarily poison ourselves. It's just plain wrong.

However, I'm doing it and I'll keep on doing it because I plan on being here another 30 or 40 or 50 years. It is what one does. Soldier On. Stiff Upper Lip and all that. My eye is on the prize: August 24 - last chemo.

Say my mantra along with me if you will "I am walking through my treatments with grace and ease. I am walking through my treatments with grace and ease. I am walking through my treatments with grace and ease."

Here I go! I'm psyched!

Chemo 2 and other stuff

Just a quickie here - chemo 2 went just fine and I feel pretty good. Tomorrow and Sunday will be my napping days. Went for a walk today, got my Neulasta shot and had a short nap. All in all pretty good. Got some new drugs that help a lot with appetite so that will also help in the long run. I won't be so weak if I can eat well every day.

The very short hair I have left is pulling out easier and easier but I'm leaving it alone so I don't get bald spots until they're inevitable! Then I think it will be time for a full shave. I've not worn anything on my head out in public so far and I kind of really like how the buzz cut looks, all things considered! I also really like the fact that I'm so photosensitive that it only takes me 5 minutes to be tan! Really, what more can a girl ask for than happy hair and a suntan, neither of which take any time whatsoever to maintain??

'Twas the night before chemo...

Check out the new rug! I think it's pretty festive what with all the chunky streaks. Kind of a lot of hair, actually, but that's okay. I had no idea that wigs were so cheap, er, inexpensive. I could have 10 synthetics for the cost of a medium quality human hair wig and synthetics don't require styling! (No comments from the peanut gallery about how cheap they look either...) How did I not know about this magic thing? It's like the big Barbie head I always wanted as a child, only I get to wear it. Head shaving is scheduled for May 30, so I'll debut this bad girl in public shortly thereafter. I suppose she needs a name. Any suggestions?

My port still hurts, but I have lidocaine cream to numb it with for the many giant needle pokes coming my way over the next 4 months, and I know I'll be happy I have it. Just plain weird to have it in me, though. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep on my side again.

First chemo tomorrow... have I mentioned how much I love my Ativan? I'm not stressed... just zen... through pharmaceuticals. It's not for nothing that I was a child of the 70's. At this point I'm not scared or nervous, just resigned and ready to kick cancer cell butt. This morning on the way to work the radio was playing Justin Timberlake and every beat of "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" I was visualizing him kicking and stomping on cancer cells. On the beat of course. Chemo is magic and I welcome it. But how my body is going to react remains The Big Question. Stay tuned and I'll let you know.

Back to it

I had the most amazing vacation, filled with the perfect mix of quiet and connecting with incredible people in a beautiful, soul-filled place. All those hours of reading, staring at the horizon, listening to the jungle, laughing over wonderful meals (that I didn't have to cook! Or clean up after!) and deciding when to turn over were amazingly therapeutic. Now I sit in front of the computer and nothing comes out. This is a good thing. Being able to turn off the internal dialogue, at will, is important. I think they call it meditation... Wreaks havoc on my creative process though.

Tomorrow I have what I like to think of as "Chemo U" which will leave me more educated than I could possibly want to be. Friday I am having surgery to get my port put in. My parents are coming to town for that. My first chemo treatment is scheduled for Thursday the 17th. From all I've learned, getting the treatment itself isn't bad - it's several days later that it starts to suck. I'll know more after tomorrow's appointment and if I learn anything exciting, believe me, I'll share.

One thing I did learn for sure on my vacation: I am going to be okay. God told me so. Loudly. Several times.

Amazing.