Break Down

Baby breakdown
Go ahead and give it to me
Breakdown honey take me through the night
Breakdown now I'm standin' here can't you see
Breakdown it's all right
It's all right
-Tom Petty

It was only a matter of time I suppose. Today the tears started. Racking, dramatic, heaving tears while I told God over and over and over again that I'm not brave enough for this. I don't have a high enough pain threshold to get through this. I'm not the right person - it was supposed to be somebody else. I have a LIFE to lead. Kids. Friends. Job. Stuff. No time for cancer! No interest in cancer! Lots of places I'd like to go, things I'd like to see and experience, but not this!

The phone has been ringing off the hook and I'm too distraught to talk. I let the well-meaning messages pile up on the answering machine. I hope everyone will understand. I just can't keep talking about it. Especially when I'm feeling so emotional and afraid and the very thought of putting on a brave face makes me want to crawl into bed and not come out. Ever. If I have to hear one more story about somebody's friend or aunt or cousin who had breast cancer and was fine I'm going to scream. Because quite frankly, right now I don't feel fine. Right now I'm scared shitless.

Here's the reality. Every tumor is different. Every body is different. Oncology is not an exact science. My cancer is it's own little being. I get to become an experiment. But I won't know what kind of experiment until I have surgery. That's when it all is going to get very real. I have 1 more day of what might be blissful ignorance before I find out what I'm really dealing with.

And that is scary.

Break down indeed. Only the first of what I'm sure will be many.